Katie Alender's Practical Rules For Writers

Yeah, that's right. I'm doling out writing advice. But none of that foo-foo writing advice that's actually about the words. No, my friends, this is about the writing.

Advisement #1: Get a little notebook, and take it everywhere.
Everyone has done the thing where you're going on with your daily life, and then it hits you: the perfect convergence of idea, character, setting, situation. The germ from which an influenza of literature will spring forth. "When you know, you know," and you, my genius friend, know--this idea is the best. idea. ever.

Then later, when you get home, you don't have the faintest idea what your idea was.

A small notebook will fix that for you. You can use your notebook for everything writing-related--and NOTHING not writing-related. No grocery lists, phone numbers, pulling pages out to dispose of your chewed-out Fruit Stripes gum. ONLY stuff about writing. Turn to this notebook every time you have anything to jot down about current and future progress, and you will eventually have a handy-dandy little nugget of fascinating notes and story ideas.

Advisement #2: Only write in this notebook with ink that will not bleed if it gets wet.
You think I'm kidding? I learned this the hard way, by taking a notebook that had four pages of snippety ideas from a mass brainstorming session and dunking it in the pool, only to find that of my four pages, all I had left was a faint blue wash and one lame bullet point I'd written with a ballpoint pen when I went to the kitchen.

Which leads us to our next point--

Advisement #3: Don't write when you've been drinking.
If you are under 21, don't drink at all. If you are over 21, don't drink when you need to write. At best, it will be just fine. At middle, it will be a hilarious pageful of typos and bizarre phrasing. And at worst, you will come to see yourself as one of those special, romanticized self-destructive authors who can only work when they've downed a few pomatinis.

Note to crafters who are reading this: this advisement also applies to sewing. At best, you sew the sleeve on inside out and the neckline shut. At worst, you sew your pinky to the neckline.

Advisement #4: Get some reading glasses, preferably with a light tint (I like pink).
This profession is brutal on your eyeballs. Staring at a computer all day is the ocular equivalent of jogging barefoot on concrete. Eventually, something's going to give out. Delay this by investing in a nice pair of reading glasses (and not the ones in the drugstore endcap). Your friendly neighborhood optometrist should have good quality ones with non-distorting lenses for about $20. A light tint (which most optometrists can do for you on the spot for like $10) will ease the burden even more.

And as a plus, when you are in your writing haze but need to get up and grab a glass of Kool-Aid, leaving your glasses on will keep the world slightly blurry and keep you from noticing things like the pile of laundry waiting to be folded, thereby allowing you to get the Kool-Aid, bypass the chores, and go right back to writing.

Advisement #5: Just do it.
Outlining and character development are all well and good, but you can really shoot yourself in the foot with all that stuff. When you're feeling excited about a new project, it's natural to make little lists of characters and outlines, but if you aren't careful you can expend all of your enthusiasm making giant lists of foods your characters like and dislike.

There is such a thing as overplanning, and I would say the rule of thumb is this: when you know enough about your characters and story to write the next chapter, stop making notes and write the next chapter. It's a lot easier to find a way to get from Chapter 23 to Chapter 24 than to have an entire notebook of scribblings and try to start Chapter 1.

All of that buildup puts tremendous pressure on you. The part of your brain that makes lists is not the same part that writes stories. They are friends, but they do not go to the same parties or like the same music. And if you stick with Mr. List too long, Mr. Writing is going to take one look at Mr. List's year of planning and run screaming from the room. Because no matter what Mr. Writing does, Mr. List will be hovering over his shoulder saying, "You can't do that! I know it's what feels natural, but look at my brilliant outline! Caroline can't possibly meet Jorge at the grocery store on page 16, because the whole book hinges on their meeting at the laundromat on page 24!" And he's right, of course. So what does Mr. Writing do when faced with this dilemma? He gets up from the computer and watches Oprah while Mr. List gloats about being right.

Advisement #6: Chances are, you're going to have to sacrifice something.
When I am busy with a book, I don't exercise. This is because, due to my schedule, my morning exercise time and my morning writing time are an either-or partnership. I write OR I work out. So here's where your priorities come in. Decide what you really want, and go for it. However, chances are you can find ways to compromise. For instance, since I can't work out in the morning, I take the dog all the way around the block instead of just up and down the little grass strip when I take him out. And I try to eat a little better.

Advisement #7: Your first draft does not have to be publishable.
It's not supposed to be. It's a first draft. Yes, there is always a sense of "hurry hurry hurry" with writing, especially when you have an idea that you're afraid may be bubbling up somewhere else in the market. But you're not doing yourself any favors submitting a hastily underwritten manuscript.

That being said...

Advisement #8: Know when to say when.
This is two-tiered: yes, the first draft is supposed to be crap. BUT--it's supposed to be crap you're passionate about. If you find yourself forcing every. single. page, chances are that once you do produce your wonderfully crappy first draft, you are not going to have the slightest interest in revising it. Good writing doesn't have to flow, but passion for the project should flow.

Second tier, know when to stop revising. Just like overplanning, you can overwork a manuscript. At some point you have to stop grooming your showdog and take it out to compete.

Because...

Advisement #9: Joyless writing shows.
If you aren't enjoying yourself, or if you're forcing something, or if you're taking the manuscript in a direction that feels wrong just because you're supposed to, readers will pick up on it. Trust me. Double trust me. I read a book once that had the strangest feeling to it, and then I realized that it was evident to me that the author had no fun writing it. None. Zero. And no, I'm not naming names.

Advisement #10: If you own more than five books about writing but have not yet written anything, spend less time at the bookstore and more time writing.
It's easy to hope that the magical writing book is out there, waiting for you. That, having bought and read this book, you will suddenly be compelled to write your masterpiece, the Great American Novel (but of course you'd never call it that... you'll wait for reviewers to call it that). You will suddenly be struck with inspiration and insight. Characters will spring from your head like tee-shirts from a cannon.

But here's the deal. Most books about writing DO have good info, but they are often just repeating info from other books about writing. And one thing ALL books about writing have in common is that while you're reading a book about writing, you are definitely NOT writing. Because you are reading.

My advice? Pick up Stephen King's "On Writing" and Brenda Ueland's "If You Want to Write." Read them, then log off on Amazon.com and go write something.

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Okay, now I'm off to actually write something. Happy Saturday!