File under: Things I Did Not Know Existed.

(1) Jumpstyle dancing.




(2) Competitive bunny sports.




(3) This guy.




That is all.

(Special thanks to 4Horses for the bunny link.)

Cry for help, non-betrayal pledge, circus dogs.

I'm behind on comment replies, as usual. And I'm dying to do an Oscar tribute post. (We watched part of the Oscars... I'd only seen one of the movies (Juno), although apparently I knew less than nothing about any of the other nominees. All I know is that I was happy The Bourne Supremacy got a little recognition, and when I said, "That could have won Best Picture, for all I care!", the husb laughed at me... not with me, at me.)

The reason I'm posting this right now, when I am supposed to be making sure that what I wrote to go over the Chinese Shar-Pei makes sense and leads nicely into what I wrote for the American Eskimo Dog, is that this morning I revamped the Contact Me page to include a form. Only--get this--the hordes of people usually trying to contact me don't seem to be online this morning.

I'm kidding, of course. No one cares. However, if you have ever thought in the back of your mindgrapes that you'd like to join my mailing list, please feel free to click THIS LINKED TEXT RIGHT HERE and fill out my form.

I only get a hundred entries at once, so please try to restrain yourselves.

Being on my mailing list is really fun and rewarding... well, that's not entirely true. What it is, is easy, and pretty much harmless. Ask Father V and Megan, who have been on it for months and can testify that I don't even send out mailings. But the important thing is that I WILL, someday, and then maybe I'll have fun secret contests just for people on the mailing list.

What I won't do is give out your email address to anyone, not even your fellow list recipients via the old "forgetting to use BCC" trick... which, by the way, is another HUGE pet peeve of mine. BCC. Blind Carbon Copy. It is your friend, and your friends' friend.

Much love, and now I'm off to share critical knowledge with the general viewing public, such as that American Eskimo Dogs have nothing to do with Eskimos, and they were fantastico little circus dogs. There you go. Coming here made you smarter. Good for both of us.

Random pet peeve

While this is on my mind... one of my biggest pet peeves is when people use the words "look-alike" and "sing-along" and write them "look-a-like" and "sing-a-long". "Alike" is a word. So is "along."

That is all.

(This was not prompted by any specific blog entry or anything... it just occurred to me and I had to share with the world.)

I'm doing something weird.

If your RSS feeds are going crazy, don't worry... I'm just slooooooowly moving old posts from Slightly Savage, my old blog, to this blog. The reason it might be doing ookie things is that the dates on them are all 2005. So feel free to read back if you must, but please note that some of these posts do not reflect my current state of mind.

Tagged by Tom...

Tom has tagged me with a meme to blog about blogs I enjoy reading. To begin with, why don't you hop on over to see him? He posts very interesting things along with occasional links to quizzes that teach you strange things about yourself.

I'm going to change things up and spotlight one blog from each "category". (Yes, I have my RSS feeds all divided up into categories.)

From the category "Crafty"...
Laura of Sew at Sea has been cracking me up lately. I'd say the blog is part sewing, part hilarious self-deprecating humor. And dear Hans puts up with all of it.

From the category "Blogpeeps"...
Maggie of Maggsbunny has a lot going on right now, from being involved in medical trials (with good results, so far!) to getting her (dun dun DUN) driver's license. She lives in South Africa, so she may prefer the spelling "licence", but I'm not sure. I do know 100% that people in South Africa have to wear gravity shoes to keep from falling off the planet, seeing as how they're upside down and all. Maggie has yet to blog about her gravity shoes.

From the category "Pub"...
The Debutante Ball is a website for debut authors. That's where I met many of the wonderful women on my blogroll--women like Eileen Cook.

From the category "Writers"...
Therese of Making it up
I think I met Therese because Miss Snark linked to her at some point...? Anyway, her blog is always fun and interesting and full of great info for writers. Unlike my advice, which mostly concerns which color of shoes to wear so as not to clash with your MacBook Air, Therese dispenses useful and interesting advice about words and story.

So, there you go. TAG! Actually, I can't really tag a group blog like The Debutant Ball, but at least they'll feel the love.

In other news... If you're looking for spring (okay, late winter) reading material, might I suggest the debut novels of aforementioned authors Therese and Eileen... (These images conveniently link to Amazon.com for you.)

Katie Alender's Practical Rules For Writers

Yeah, that's right. I'm doling out writing advice. But none of that foo-foo writing advice that's actually about the words. No, my friends, this is about the writing.

Advisement #1: Get a little notebook, and take it everywhere.
Everyone has done the thing where you're going on with your daily life, and then it hits you: the perfect convergence of idea, character, setting, situation. The germ from which an influenza of literature will spring forth. "When you know, you know," and you, my genius friend, know--this idea is the best. idea. ever.

Then later, when you get home, you don't have the faintest idea what your idea was.

A small notebook will fix that for you. You can use your notebook for everything writing-related--and NOTHING not writing-related. No grocery lists, phone numbers, pulling pages out to dispose of your chewed-out Fruit Stripes gum. ONLY stuff about writing. Turn to this notebook every time you have anything to jot down about current and future progress, and you will eventually have a handy-dandy little nugget of fascinating notes and story ideas.

Advisement #2: Only write in this notebook with ink that will not bleed if it gets wet.
You think I'm kidding? I learned this the hard way, by taking a notebook that had four pages of snippety ideas from a mass brainstorming session and dunking it in the pool, only to find that of my four pages, all I had left was a faint blue wash and one lame bullet point I'd written with a ballpoint pen when I went to the kitchen.

Which leads us to our next point--

Advisement #3: Don't write when you've been drinking.
If you are under 21, don't drink at all. If you are over 21, don't drink when you need to write. At best, it will be just fine. At middle, it will be a hilarious pageful of typos and bizarre phrasing. And at worst, you will come to see yourself as one of those special, romanticized self-destructive authors who can only work when they've downed a few pomatinis.

Note to crafters who are reading this: this advisement also applies to sewing. At best, you sew the sleeve on inside out and the neckline shut. At worst, you sew your pinky to the neckline.

Advisement #4: Get some reading glasses, preferably with a light tint (I like pink).
This profession is brutal on your eyeballs. Staring at a computer all day is the ocular equivalent of jogging barefoot on concrete. Eventually, something's going to give out. Delay this by investing in a nice pair of reading glasses (and not the ones in the drugstore endcap). Your friendly neighborhood optometrist should have good quality ones with non-distorting lenses for about $20. A light tint (which most optometrists can do for you on the spot for like $10) will ease the burden even more.

And as a plus, when you are in your writing haze but need to get up and grab a glass of Kool-Aid, leaving your glasses on will keep the world slightly blurry and keep you from noticing things like the pile of laundry waiting to be folded, thereby allowing you to get the Kool-Aid, bypass the chores, and go right back to writing.

Advisement #5: Just do it.
Outlining and character development are all well and good, but you can really shoot yourself in the foot with all that stuff. When you're feeling excited about a new project, it's natural to make little lists of characters and outlines, but if you aren't careful you can expend all of your enthusiasm making giant lists of foods your characters like and dislike.

There is such a thing as overplanning, and I would say the rule of thumb is this: when you know enough about your characters and story to write the next chapter, stop making notes and write the next chapter. It's a lot easier to find a way to get from Chapter 23 to Chapter 24 than to have an entire notebook of scribblings and try to start Chapter 1.

All of that buildup puts tremendous pressure on you. The part of your brain that makes lists is not the same part that writes stories. They are friends, but they do not go to the same parties or like the same music. And if you stick with Mr. List too long, Mr. Writing is going to take one look at Mr. List's year of planning and run screaming from the room. Because no matter what Mr. Writing does, Mr. List will be hovering over his shoulder saying, "You can't do that! I know it's what feels natural, but look at my brilliant outline! Caroline can't possibly meet Jorge at the grocery store on page 16, because the whole book hinges on their meeting at the laundromat on page 24!" And he's right, of course. So what does Mr. Writing do when faced with this dilemma? He gets up from the computer and watches Oprah while Mr. List gloats about being right.

Advisement #6: Chances are, you're going to have to sacrifice something.
When I am busy with a book, I don't exercise. This is because, due to my schedule, my morning exercise time and my morning writing time are an either-or partnership. I write OR I work out. So here's where your priorities come in. Decide what you really want, and go for it. However, chances are you can find ways to compromise. For instance, since I can't work out in the morning, I take the dog all the way around the block instead of just up and down the little grass strip when I take him out. And I try to eat a little better.

Advisement #7: Your first draft does not have to be publishable.
It's not supposed to be. It's a first draft. Yes, there is always a sense of "hurry hurry hurry" with writing, especially when you have an idea that you're afraid may be bubbling up somewhere else in the market. But you're not doing yourself any favors submitting a hastily underwritten manuscript.

That being said...

Advisement #8: Know when to say when.
This is two-tiered: yes, the first draft is supposed to be crap. BUT--it's supposed to be crap you're passionate about. If you find yourself forcing every. single. page, chances are that once you do produce your wonderfully crappy first draft, you are not going to have the slightest interest in revising it. Good writing doesn't have to flow, but passion for the project should flow.

Second tier, know when to stop revising. Just like overplanning, you can overwork a manuscript. At some point you have to stop grooming your showdog and take it out to compete.

Because...

Advisement #9: Joyless writing shows.
If you aren't enjoying yourself, or if you're forcing something, or if you're taking the manuscript in a direction that feels wrong just because you're supposed to, readers will pick up on it. Trust me. Double trust me. I read a book once that had the strangest feeling to it, and then I realized that it was evident to me that the author had no fun writing it. None. Zero. And no, I'm not naming names.

Advisement #10: If you own more than five books about writing but have not yet written anything, spend less time at the bookstore and more time writing.
It's easy to hope that the magical writing book is out there, waiting for you. That, having bought and read this book, you will suddenly be compelled to write your masterpiece, the Great American Novel (but of course you'd never call it that... you'll wait for reviewers to call it that). You will suddenly be struck with inspiration and insight. Characters will spring from your head like tee-shirts from a cannon.

But here's the deal. Most books about writing DO have good info, but they are often just repeating info from other books about writing. And one thing ALL books about writing have in common is that while you're reading a book about writing, you are definitely NOT writing. Because you are reading.

My advice? Pick up Stephen King's "On Writing" and Brenda Ueland's "If You Want to Write." Read them, then log off on Amazon.com and go write something.

******

Okay, now I'm off to actually write something. Happy Saturday!

Open letter to people in LUV.

NOTE: I am not as angry as this post makes me sound. I do not actually want anyone to take an arrow to the calf.

I don't seem to be locked out anymore.  I must have scared Blogger by starting to look at Wordpress settings at my hosting service's website.

Happy Friday, everyone!  I hope you all had a great Valentine's Day yesterday.  Did something romantic or sweet or wolfed down eight pounds of chocolate and chalky candy hearts.

As for me, I would like to address the matter as follows:

Dear Los Angeles Valentiners,

I am confused and hurt by your actions.  

Here's the problem, as I see it: you have a wife or husband or girlfriend or boyfriend whom you see all the time, mostly in saggy pajama pants and stained tee-shirts from 1992.  Your love is what the experts call "comfortable", which means, good for you, you are over the hump and don't have to even try anymore.

So you're sitting at home, watching TV, and a DeBeer's commercial comes on.  Your significant other seems to light up, and you say, "Oh, that's right, St. Valentine's Day is upon us, how romantic," while secretly you're thinking, Crud, she wants a DIAMOND?  I'm saving up for a MacBook Air!  So out loud, you say, "Honey, I just can't support the diamond monopoly.  You know in Russia they have mall-sized vaults full of the things.  They're manipulating the market so they can charge outlandish prices for shiny rocks, which, by the way, were mined by South African fourth-graders in appalling conditions."

Okay, you're safe for now.  Plus, she thinks your concern for South African fourth-graders is soooo cute.  So then you smile  and say, "I know.  Why don't we go out for a nice dinner?  We could try that Greek/sushi/Mexican/raw vegan place we read about."

"Where is that one, exactly?" she asks.

Here is the part where it all falls apart.  You say, "It's in SANTA MONICA."  

Yes.  No matter who you are, where you live, which restaurant you read about, and no matter where you read about it, it is located in SANTA MONICA.  Specifically, it is located on MY ROUTE HOME.

Then, on Valentine's Day, you put on your best Z. Cavariccis and climb in the car, all full of hope and romance.  You set off for Santa Monica, LIKE EVERY OTHER HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET.  By the time you get there, things are starting to look bad.  Traffic doesn't seem to be moving.  Cars waiting at stoplights seem to actually be in "park".  You are never, never going to make your reservation in this traffic.

"Oh, no!" says your wife/girlfriend (let's face it, the gender roles in this story are defined). "Maybe I should have gotten those diamonds after all."

Anything but diamonds!  You decide to start driving like a maniac.  Perhaps this will scare people so much that they all pull over to the side of the road.  And they would, if there were room.  But there isn't, so they sit there in "park" while you cut across, through, on top of, underneath other cars and worm your way through the gridlock.  

"It's okay," you tell your ladyfriend, proving your love to her by swinging across oncoming traffic and exposing her side of the car to the approaching headlights of the approaching cars. "We are SPECIAL.  Because we're in LUV."

Well, guess what.  I am in LUV, too.  Only I am SMORT enough not to let Hallmark tell me that on one freaking night of the year, I must join 800,000 Angelenos who otherwise never leave their homes to go out to an overpriced dinner prepared by chefs who are too harried to make sure your chicken is cooked all the way through.

And to ME, you are not special, just because you are not used to driving in Santa Monica.  In fact, you are a HORRIBLE person, because while you are defying the laws of the city, common decency, AND physics to get to your destination, I am sitting in traffic for two hours, which means that by the time I get home, it will be too late for me to have any sort of Valentine's celebration.

So if you happen to notice that the girl in the black car seems really annoyed at you, don't write her off as a bitter single woman who is jealous of this one passionate night a year in which you choose to show the world and Hallmark that you know what LUV is all about.

Instead, notice how she is glaring at any car that has more than one person in it.  Instead, notice how she has to massage her cramping ankle while sitting in "park" at every successive stoplight.  Notice how she traveled approximately 1 mile between 6:45 pm and 7:45 pm.

You see, I already have an evening commute that edges over the one-hour mark on a regular basis. I already sit in bumper-to-bumper traffic every night. And now I have to deal with you, crawling all over the city streets like a herd of lost baby buffalo just so you can show up late, pay way too much, and be rude to the waiter.

The good news is, after tonight, it will be a whole year before you have to do this again.  By then, of course, there will be more new restaurants in SANTA MONICA.  

I'll see you there, I guess.

In the meantime, I hope Cupid gets you with his arrows.  I hope he gets you right in the calf, or the rear end.

LUV,
Katie

PS - Confidential to angry joggers: darlings, you can't all go jogging at once just because it's Valentine's day.  And you can't dart between cars, because everyone is about ready to run over anything that moves, just for the dark satisfaction of it (not dogs or cats, though--just joggers).  However, I am not mad at you--I could never be mad at you, because you are not clogging up my commute.  You are just turning it into a Frogger-like video game, where I get to be the car.  Now go home and watch Lost.

Help, I'm locked out of my blog!

Well, maybe that's overdramatic.  But I've been trying to publish a post all day, and it won't let me.  So if a Valentine's Day post shows up here mid-day tomorrow, this explains why.  I read that emailing posts in works.  Which makes me think I should email the post I've been trying to publish.  But I have to be honest with you, I don't have high hopes.

We interrupt this Valentine's Day broadcast.

Yeah, that's right. I went there.  A shamrock. On V-Day.  

"But why?" you ask.

Because! St. Patrick's Day (March 17, for those who live under rocks) my goal date for a completed first draft of Project X. I predict a length of 65,000-70,000 words, and as of today, I'm at 15,500, which means I have to write 2,187 words a day to get to the goal. Which is a lot, but I do have a hiatus coming up, so instead of grabbing an hour in the morning before work and a half hour at the end of the day, I'll have the whole day to write. Not that I will spend the whole day writing. Because the second a hiatus hits, the sewing machine begins its siren song from downstairs.

"Come plaaaaaaay with me, Katie!" it purrs. "Come sew some skiiiiiiiiiirts!"

So anyway, it might be an uphill battle, but I'm going to try.

So far, so good. I think. I mean, it might be dreck, but it's getting on the page.

Happy Valentine's Day! This would be a great day to haul out those "Kiss me, I'm Irish!" shirts if you're single.

Katie Alender invented Post-Its.

I've just noticed how much I use ellipses in the titles of many of my posts. I guess the word would be "overuse" (oh, snap!).

On topic: it's time to write a bio for the back jacketflap of Bad Girls Don't Die. In order to help with this process, I examined the bios in many of the young adult books I have at my home. Here are the many interesting things I can't say about myself:

"Meg Cabot is the author of many best-selling, critically acclaimed books for teens, including the Princess Diaries series."
Katie Alender is the author of two books, one of which is on the very back burner, if you catch her drift. She has read two books of the Princess Diaries series, and would love to read more but can't for the life of her figure out what order they go in.

"Longtime friends Yvonne Collins and Sandy Rideout met as teens."
Katie Alender has friends, even some friends she met as a teen, but, strictly speaking, they did not help her write this book.

"Fiona had little to no say about her bat mitvah dress."
Katie Alender has only been to one bar mitzvah, even though she had to listen to all the popular kids talk about how awesome theirs were. However, the bar mitzvah she did attend (as a senior in high school) was totally awesome and made up for all the ones she never got invited to.

"[Robin Brande] is a frequent presenter to girls and young women on topics ranging from public speaking to self-defense."
Katie Alender has written infomercials on topics ranging from microwavable pizza stones to weight-loss surgery.
(Note to self: ask Robin about public speaking. <-- note: note can also serve as note to Robin to ask me why I was going to ask her about public speaking)

"[Charlie Higson] lives in London."
Katie Alender has been through the Heathrow Airport, which is near London, and where they sell books in vending machines, which is very cool. She hopes that someday her books will be sold in vending machines. All this talk about vending machines is making Katie Alender hungry.

...So you see, I am in sad shape when it comes to this aspect of the project.

(I wonder if I would use ellipses less if instead of typing periods, I typed DOT DOT DOT. I guess I'll find out DOT DOT DOT)

In other news, I've decided I want the first draft of Project X done by St. Patrick's Day. At the rate I've been writing, it should be doable. Plus, if I could stop hitting "snooze" on my alarm clock, I would have an extra fifteen minutes every morning. Also, if I stopped incessantly checking I Has a Hotdog to see if they've used a Winston picture, I would have an extra three hours a day.

My day got better...

...when I saw this:


moar funny pictures

Like, seriously. Come on. This works on so many levels. Well, two.

Happy Friday! I'm pleased to report that I'm still burning through Project X!

Onward and upward...

Project X is going along swimmingly. It's just pouring out of me, which is an alien sensation.

Confession time: I'm not what you could call a fast writer. I mean, when I'm writing, it's fast, but I have a hard time planting myself in the seat and actually doing it. If I hit a wall, I run and hide from it, sometimes for weeks. I see other authors' blogs where they talk about cheerfully (or torturously) churning out a book in three weeks, six weeks, three months. And I've always thought that clearly at some point I swallowed the blue pill instead of the red one.

But here is a different situation, and I'm quite intrigued, and I'm kind of having fun letting myself write compulsively and quickly. One fun thing about this book is that the story doesn't hinge on the details of the plot--X doesn't need to lead to Y and then Z, and if you change Y and Z and then X doesn't fit in, you are at an impasse. This book is more about the characters--who did what to whom and who said what to whom and what they did about it and what happens next and so on.

We'll see if it's all worth anything, in the end, but for now I'm going to go with the flow.

It's sort of a lesson of "don't put yourself in a box"--maybe I could cheerfully (or torturously) churn out a manuscript in two months (let's face it: three weeks might be forever out of my range).

I guess we'll find out!

Last night I dreamed that a pirate ship was coming to attack, and the husb was an officer on the ship that was going to go out and fight them. The captain of the ship and his wife were very elegant and genteel, and when I asked if I could go say good-bye to the husb before they left port, the captain refused, because he had seen the husb's gigantic bushy beard and figured he was the second assistant cook or something, instead of realizing that he was an officer. I'm sure I didn't help matters by not being genteel or elegant myself.

This probably ties into the fact that yesterday the husb finally got around to tidying up his facial hair and the bathroom looked like a small furry animal had exploded.

Happy Thursday!

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

My favorite old joke from many movies and TV shows is the one that goes, "Refusing to admit you're an alcoholic is the first sign you're an alcoholic!" and then the other guy says, "That's also the first sign of NOT being an alcoholic."

The reason this occurs to me is that I'm all listening to and reading food and nutrition books and trying to eat all healthy, and here I am sitting here with stale graham crackers and a tub of cream cheese frosting.

It is SO HARD to spread frosting on stale graham crackers. They're breakaway stale, not soft and mushy stale (I wouldn't eat them if they were mushy).

But... why?

Why?

And why am I sharing this?

In other news, after a lovely conversation (I came so close to using the word "convo") with Agent M, I am rip-roaring on a new project that has been seeping into my mind grapes. This is temporarily displacing Other New Project, which I had begun before my second round of revisions on BGDD, and which I was starting to ask myself hard questions about. After I decided to move forward with Project X, which is not the title, just a nickname, I was explaining to the husb my issues with Project W, which is not the title of the other book, just a nickname.

My point is that he said, "Why don't you set it in XYZ instead of ABC?" and I was like, "Ohhhhhh."

Sometimes, when the magic of writing isn't enough, we can use the magic of other people's offhand observations.

Will someone please come wrestle these graham crackers out of my hand? Or just, you know, crush them in my palm?

Ladies and gentlemen... we have a title!

All good things must come to an end. The Girl Least Likely was a great title. It served me well.

Actually, I didn't really love it at first. I slapped it on the book because someone told me my old title was taken. As time went by, it grew on me. When the book sold, the Lovely Editor suggested we look for a title that sounds less "ugly duckling turns Prom Queen" and more "wow, my little sister is homicidal."

We made lists. Lists and lists and lists. And tried to think of scary words.

As I went through this exhausting process, I decided to add some humor to the situation by making a joke suggestion* on my list. Ha ha ha. Katie funny. Ha ha ha! Nothing soothes the burden of reading a list of blisteringly bad title suggestions like a good old-fashioned joke.

A week later, I got a call from the Lovely Editor. Response from the many mysterious Powers That Be At Hyperion was overwhelmingly in favor of one title.

Can you guess which one?

That's right.

The joke title.

Ha ha ha!

After I got over the surprise, I did as Dr. Phil suggests and wore the decision around for a while. I drew on my previous experience to remind myself that things have a way of growing on me. And it did. Then when the Delightful Editor took over and we continued to make adjustments to the book, I thought maybe something solid might come out of the new stuff. But who were we kidding? There can be no pretenders to this throne.

And so, with only minimal further ado... the new title is...

Bad Girls Don't Die, by Katie Alender.

...or do they?

To learn the answer to this and many more of life's most pressing questions, you will have to buy my book next April. Preferably in both hardback and audiobook. You could also buy the ebook, if one comes out, and any foreign editions. And save some pennies for the paperback release. Deal?

* The joke was: "(sung to the tune of...)" Hey, I never said it was a good joke.

PS - I still claim The Girl Least Likely. Paws off, you dirty dogs!

From the sewing room...

Crafty time! I started this quilt in June and finished it in the twilight of 2007. It's for a baby boy... It came together kind of freestyle, because I'd wanted to do something with weaving stripes... but weaving ended up being a little out of the range of my ambition, when the time came, and I decided to continue the diagonal checkerboard.



Here's a closer look (that backing is the checkerboard dog/cat fabric, but I don't have a photo posted):



Hope everyone is having a great Friday!